I’ve been needing to get this off of my chest for an entire week and just havent been able to. Hence why i set up this blog in the first place, and told none of my friends/family/etc about it. because on my blog that everyone reads, if i have a great day then woohoo but if i have a bad day anybody who reads it automatically assumes that they are the person who offended, hurt, or irritated me. I just want the freedom to say what i want to say and get it out of my head so that it isnt weighing me down. so here goes.

so my husband and i have been dealing with infertility issues (now has been diagnosed as unexplained infertility—great they cant even tell me whats wrong, but keep telling me something is wrong) for going on a year now. We both have this insanely huge desire to be parents and raise godly children, as difficult as that would be in the world the way it is currently. but regardless, we want children. so we’ve been trying….and trying……and here we are hitting our one year anniversary….been off of any preventative measure since may…and we’re still about as non-pregnant as it gets. I’ve taken metformin, clomid, starting IUI’s soon. but what baffles me is the fact that i am 22 freakin years old?!?! what the heck is wrong with my body? and i got pregnant 6 years ago and lost it………..why could i get pregnant then at the most inconvenient time of my life and now i cant even ovulate without getting some hormone extracted from a pregnant woman’s pee injected into my right buttcheek? who knows…..i pray and ask God all the time but i am so consumed by my frustration that i cannot hear whatever he is trying to say to me. That is, if he is saying anything at all.

The thing that really peeves me is that E-V-E-R-Y one of my close girlfriends in my life that is married and wants children is pregnant, or has recently had a baby. even a friend who didnt want to be pregnant, but is now and is “soooo cute” according to everybody. Everybody but me….when i see her i want to vomit. not because i hate her, but because i hate that she got what i wanted when i wanted it and she didn’t. and i dont know how to channel that anger elsewhere without pointing it to God and accusing him of punishing me and hating me. I know he doesnt, but why does the blessing i pray for end up caught up in the wind and lands four blocks too far to the east? would i be a horrible mother? is there something God knows about me and my future that i don’t know and this all makes sense? not that i am aware of.

anyway….i title this entry HOW DARE YOU!?! because of a recent incident i had with one of these friends of mine who is a new mother. So last friday we’re sitting in my living room talking about whatever and all of a sudden she tears up. So, of course, i ask her what is wrong and she proceeds to tell me that she THOUGHT she might be pregnant and got her hopes up (despite the fact that they are on the pill to prevent this) and her doctor told her to take a test and she did and it came back not pregnant. and she’s sitting there across the room from me, holding her son… (INFERTILE CHILDLESS ME) crying about how much she was disappointed. Although i was a raging ball of emotions on the inside, on the outside i kept my cool and just said, “oh”. and had nothing more to say…..but here i am almost a week later still angry and hurt over this and i have to say, How dare you sit across from me in my living room after telling me time and time again that I should just have faith and trust that God will bless me with children in His time……and you CRY because you didnt accidentally get pregnant again……..WTF? what makes you think that just because we’re close i wont be insulted by your insensitivity? When did you decide that i have to just suck it up and deal with my infertility and yet you can have the nerve to cry to ME that you’re not getting blessed with your second child in a year……in my home. i just felt utterly disrespected….like she could care less if i hurt or if i was in pain at all because of what she said.

Its like, HELLO i have been TRYING to get pregnant for eleven months……and EVERY cycle you better believe i get my hopes up and stupidly misread all sorts of PMS and convince myself that its all pregnancy symptoms. And i’ve dealt with people just spouting off that they’re pregnant, thrown baby showers for girls who got married after me and already have a little one………do you just think i’ve accepted my lot in life as an infertile BARREN woman? NO i dont care what the doctors say….i will always always always convince myself that God is bigger than my stupid body and messed up hormones. So unless you’ve gone through it, and by gone through it i mean T-R-I-E-D to get pregnant for six months or more and FAILED just like me….dont you even THINK that you have the right to act like i should comfort you. yes, you can pout when your period comes, but not until you’ve been trying for a year will your doctor even consider looking very far into your problem. So just deal with it a little while…and you know, maybe if they were trying trying trying….like timing sex and using OPKS and temping and just plain werent on the pill to PREVENT IT…maybe i would have had some pity. But she needs to remember that I AM one of the small percent of women who aren’t as lucky as she was and i will never get to say, “we had our little surprise” . i just wish people werent so ignorant…..

Infertility quote of the day…”i always knew i wasn’t the smartest woman i knew, but really how do you fail a pregnancy test even when you take fifteen retests?”